Love really is a verb

It's not often that a blog post moves me to tears, but this one did. In it, WillThink4Wine  writes so eloquently about the true meaning of love. I couldn't agree with her more when she writes that "I believe that when someone really loves you, really values you deeply, the words "I Love You" need never be spoken. You will feel the love, all the way to the core of your being."

I was reminded of the night I finally realized my marriage was over. I'd asked my husband if he loved me. He thought about it for a while (not a good sign), and then he said "Love is the most overused and misunderstood word in the English language." I remember wishing that he'd just stabbed me with a knife. I think it would have hurt less. The fact that he couldn't answer the question directly told me all I needed to know at that time. Since then, I've realized that what was more significant was the fact that I needed to ask the question at all. He was being as honest and he knew how to be. And as painful as it was in that moment, and in the weeks and months to come, his honesty saved me from a lifetime of pain.

Thankfully, I've moved on, both emotionally and spiritually. And by the grace of God, I now know that I am capable of giving and receiving love, from the right people in the right circumstances. WillThink4Wine's post reminded me to embrace my relationships with an open mind and an open heart, remembering that not everybody who says "I love you" really does, and that sometimes those who really do, don't say it with those words. It also reminded me that the same holds true for me.

Photo by Fe 108AUMS at Flickr.com

Loneliness hurts

I saw the headline of an article earlier this week that suggests that having a "broken heart" can be physically painful. I think the same is true of profound loneliness.

I think there's a common misconception about what loneliness looks like.  That may be why so many people are in denial about their own loneliness or the loneliness of the people around them who appear to be anything but lonely.

Yes, I have friends, but most of my closest friends live too far away to be able to visit. Yes, I have hobbies and interests (both old and new) that occupy a lot of my time. Yes, I'm employed and interact with colleagues and clients every day. Yes, thankfully, my mother is alive and well and lives nearby so we talk almost every day. Yes, I enjoy solititude, at times, and I enjoy my own company (although I haven't always).  How, then, could I possibly feel lonely?

A busy life does not always equate with a fulfilling one.  Most of my days are as busy as I want (or need) them to be, and there are plenty of people that I could spend time with if I want to.  But that's not what I want.  What I want is companionship, a sense of connection and emotional intimacy. I want to go to a great movie and then talk about it for hours over dinner. I want to cook a great meal, knowing that someone is there to share it with me.  I want to listen to jazz, and maybe even dance, at a dimly lit jazz club. I want to play Scrabble late into the night, with someone who can actually beat me some of the time. I want to share my thoughts, my dream,s and my fears with someone who'll listen with open ears and an open heart. I want to give of myself to someone who'll appreciate my efforts and not take me for granted. I want to have plans to look forward to next weekend or next month. I want to make memories.

Can't I go to a movie, cook a good meal, listen to great music, e-mail my friends, or play Scrabble on my computer by myself? Of course I can.  And I do. I can also knit, read, take pictures, blog, surf the net and work on one of the many book projects that I have planned. And I do. Some days I'm perfectly fine with that, but even then, I'm still lonely as hell. It's as if I'm all dressed up, with nowhere to go. I think Vincent van Gogh summed it up when he said that "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it."

Photo by Rogerio Zgiet on Flickr.com

Forgiveness

The subject of forgiveness has been a ongoing theme for me for some time now - longer than I like to admit.  I've experienced a lot of pain in my life, and I've had lots of experience at forgiving.  However, I'm still fascinated by the process, particularly the correlation (or lack of it) between the intensity of the hurt and my relationship with the person who hurt me.  

While I could spend time analyzing how and why I forgive, or don't, it's irrelevant.  What matters is that forgiveness is something that I have to do, whether I want to or not, and whether it's easy or not.  It's not something I need to do for the people who've hurt me.  It's something I need to do for myself.  I've written more about the importance of forgiveness and the specific challenges of forgiving a family member at Suite101.

2010: The Year in Review

2010 started with such great hope and optimism.  While it got off to a good start, my enthusiasm for a great year didn't last long. From a potentially blinding eye problem resulting in major surgery, to the complicated and confusing end of an important relationship, to saying good-bye to a small business I'd run for nearly 10 years, 2010 was a year of endings.  

This season of grief has been overwhelming at times, but it has not been without its opportunities for growth.  I've learned a lot in the midst of the storm.

Things are not always as they seem.  Nothing made this point clearer than undergoing cataract surgery in July 2009, followed by emergency surgery for a detached retina only six months later. What we see with our eyes is rarely all there is.  Life would be so much richer if we could see our lives the way God sees them.

God is teaching us things even when He seems silent.  It would be wonderful if God called us on our cell phones or sent a text message when He had something important to say to us.  Unfortunately, He doesn't work that way.  God is communicating with us all the time, it's just harder to hear Him and know what to do when He seems silent.  But, it's during those times of silence that it's more important than ever to strive even harder for an intimate, personal relationship with Him.

Growth requires letting go. Situations and people enter our lives for a reason, and usually only for a season.  Rarely does a situation or a relationship last forever.  Part of maturing is learning to acknowledge that as we change, our needs and our priorities change as well.  We can be thankful for the learning opportunities that were provided when we needed them, yet still be prepared to gracefully move on when they are no longer working for us.  Periodically we need to reexamine our lives and take an honest inventory of whether the things and people we surround ourselves with our helping or hindering our spiritual and emotional growth.  We need to nurture and develop those things that are healthy, and gracefully let go of those that are not.

Sometimes acceptance is more important than rationalization.  Sometimes we can analyze and rationalize ourselves into knots, expending countless time and energy but never resolving the issue that challenges us.  I'm learning that understanding the what and why of a situation is not nearly as important as accepting the reality that it exists and moving forward accordingly.

If the shoe doesn't fit, maybe it's the wrong size.  Many of us go through life wearing other peoples' expectations, goals, and dreams, all the while thinking that they are our own.  If things just aren't working for us, or if we've achieved the trappings of success that we thought we wanted, only to find that something is still missing, maybe it's because we're not being true to our most authentic selves.

Despite facing one challenge and/or disappointment after another in 2010, I am thankful for the lessons I learned and the clarity I received about some things that have been troubling me for some time.  Perhaps most importantly, even though 2010 didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, I made it through and I'm entering 2011 with an even greater sense of hope and optimism for the New Year.

Wishing you love, joy, peace and prosperity in 2011!








Photo credit

An open letter to my exes

I've been hurt. A lot. But over time I've come to understand that no situation, and no relationship, is without purpose. People are brought into our lives to teach us things, and for us to teach them things, and although they’re sometimes quite painful, these lessons are a necessary part of growing.

Man Up: 7 tips for ending a relationship the right way

Breaking up is painful, but many times the way the breakup is handled is more painful the end to the relationship itself.  Thankfully I'm not going through a breakup right now, but I felt called to write this piece anyway.  Surely someone somewhere may find it helpful.

Defining family

Yesterday I saw Eat Pray Love and I was moved beyond words. I know the movie didn't get rave reviews, and I hadn't read the best-selling book, but I do like Julia Roberts and I've always been fascinating by tales of exploration and transformation, so I went to see it and I absolutely loved it .

Take control by letting go of it

One of the biggest examples of the disservice done by modern-day "self help" movements is the fallacy that we can (and should) control every aspect of our lives. Please don't misunderstand, I am a major advocate of personal responsibility and accountability, but the key word is "personal".  One of the most basic life lessons is also one of the hardest to accept, that the only person we can change is ourselves.  Too often, we've come to believe that taking responsibility for our own lives means controlling circumstances, and people, over which we have no control.

Defying the Curse of the Boyfriend Sweater

A few years ago I "broke up" with the man I'd been dating. To be honest, to say that we "broke up" is not quite accurate. Technically, he dumped me. But that's not the point of this story.

He knew that I loved to knit and to my surprise, just a few weeks before he vanished, he mentioned the possibility of me knitting an