Reframing Mistakes

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, many small, but some huge. I've spent a lot of time replaying those mistakes over and over, beating myself up and asking all sorts of questions for which there aren't any answers.

I'm beginning to realize that all the condemnation and recrimination in the world won't make those "mistakes" go away. I'm also beginning to realize that I may be doing myself and my spirit a serious disservice by attaching value judgments to past decisions. The intrepretations I attached to them were much worse than the decisions themselves were. They were not "good" or "bad", they just were.

Would I have made different choices and done a lot of things differently if I knew then what I know now?  Of course I would. But therein lies the point... IF I'd known then what I know now... the simple truth is that I didn't.

I have to accept, and live with, the consequences of my choices, all of them. But I don't have to continue to beat myself up because of them. Through God's grace, and the process of healing, I'm learning to realize that I did the best I could at the time. I didn't knowingly make decisions that would cause pain for me or others. If I'd had the wisdom, patience, strength, or courage to make healthier choices I would have. God knows that and He has forgiven me. Now it's time for me to forgive myself.

Photo by eggman at Flickr.com

Love really is a verb

It's not often that a blog post moves me to tears, but this one did. In it, WillThink4Wine  writes so eloquently about the true meaning of love. I couldn't agree with her more when she writes that "I believe that when someone really loves you, really values you deeply, the words "I Love You" need never be spoken. You will feel the love, all the way to the core of your being."

I was reminded of the night I finally realized my marriage was over. I'd asked my husband if he loved me. He thought about it for a while (not a good sign), and then he said "Love is the most overused and misunderstood word in the English language." I remember wishing that he'd just stabbed me with a knife. I think it would have hurt less. The fact that he couldn't answer the question directly told me all I needed to know at that time. Since then, I've realized that what was more significant was the fact that I needed to ask the question at all. He was being as honest and he knew how to be. And as painful as it was in that moment, and in the weeks and months to come, his honesty saved me from a lifetime of pain.

Thankfully, I've moved on, both emotionally and spiritually. And by the grace of God, I now know that I am capable of giving and receiving love, from the right people in the right circumstances. WillThink4Wine's post reminded me to embrace my relationships with an open mind and an open heart, remembering that not everybody who says "I love you" really does, and that sometimes those who really do, don't say it with those words. It also reminded me that the same holds true for me.

Photo by Fe 108AUMS at Flickr.com

Forgiveness

The subject of forgiveness has been a ongoing theme for me for some time now - longer than I like to admit.  I've experienced a lot of pain in my life, and I've had lots of experience at forgiving.  However, I'm still fascinated by the process, particularly the correlation (or lack of it) between the intensity of the hurt and my relationship with the person who hurt me.  

While I could spend time analyzing how and why I forgive, or don't, it's irrelevant.  What matters is that forgiveness is something that I have to do, whether I want to or not, and whether it's easy or not.  It's not something I need to do for the people who've hurt me.  It's something I need to do for myself.  I've written more about the importance of forgiveness and the specific challenges of forgiving a family member at Suite101.

2010: The Year in Review

2010 started with such great hope and optimism.  While it got off to a good start, my enthusiasm for a great year didn't last long. From a potentially blinding eye problem resulting in major surgery, to the complicated and confusing end of an important relationship, to saying good-bye to a small business I'd run for nearly 10 years, 2010 was a year of endings.  

This season of grief has been overwhelming at times, but it has not been without its opportunities for growth.  I've learned a lot in the midst of the storm.

Things are not always as they seem.  Nothing made this point clearer than undergoing cataract surgery in July 2009, followed by emergency surgery for a detached retina only six months later. What we see with our eyes is rarely all there is.  Life would be so much richer if we could see our lives the way God sees them.

God is teaching us things even when He seems silent.  It would be wonderful if God called us on our cell phones or sent a text message when He had something important to say to us.  Unfortunately, He doesn't work that way.  God is communicating with us all the time, it's just harder to hear Him and know what to do when He seems silent.  But, it's during those times of silence that it's more important than ever to strive even harder for an intimate, personal relationship with Him.

Growth requires letting go. Situations and people enter our lives for a reason, and usually only for a season.  Rarely does a situation or a relationship last forever.  Part of maturing is learning to acknowledge that as we change, our needs and our priorities change as well.  We can be thankful for the learning opportunities that were provided when we needed them, yet still be prepared to gracefully move on when they are no longer working for us.  Periodically we need to reexamine our lives and take an honest inventory of whether the things and people we surround ourselves with our helping or hindering our spiritual and emotional growth.  We need to nurture and develop those things that are healthy, and gracefully let go of those that are not.

Sometimes acceptance is more important than rationalization.  Sometimes we can analyze and rationalize ourselves into knots, expending countless time and energy but never resolving the issue that challenges us.  I'm learning that understanding the what and why of a situation is not nearly as important as accepting the reality that it exists and moving forward accordingly.

If the shoe doesn't fit, maybe it's the wrong size.  Many of us go through life wearing other peoples' expectations, goals, and dreams, all the while thinking that they are our own.  If things just aren't working for us, or if we've achieved the trappings of success that we thought we wanted, only to find that something is still missing, maybe it's because we're not being true to our most authentic selves.

Despite facing one challenge and/or disappointment after another in 2010, I am thankful for the lessons I learned and the clarity I received about some things that have been troubling me for some time.  Perhaps most importantly, even though 2010 didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, I made it through and I'm entering 2011 with an even greater sense of hope and optimism for the New Year.

Wishing you love, joy, peace and prosperity in 2011!








Photo credit

Lessons I learned from cataract surgery

Today I was reflecting on the need to see things from God's perspective rather than our own.  When things aren't going as we'd planned or hoped, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that we can only see a very limited piece of the bigger picture.  I was reminded of how I learned this lesson in a vivid way last year when I had cataract surgery. That experience taught me to view life from a different perspective.  I've posted lessons I learned from cataract surgery here.

A season of silence

There are times in my life when God is on a roll - the blessings come faster than I can count them.  Now is not one of those times.  I've been struggling through a season of silence for a couple of months now and I haven't been handling it as gracefully as I'd like.  

Thankfully, while God may not be speaking to me in ways that I can readily understand, He has been showing me how to use this period as a learning opportunity.  Click here to read my thoughts on learning how to listen even when God is silent.

The importance of sharing

People who know me well, and perhaps some who don't, know that I often share the painful experiences of my past.  My ex-husband was a very private person, and he hated this quality about me.  I could never get him to understand that there is no value in keeping lessons learned to ourselves. I believe it is a moral obligation, a calling, to try to help ease the pain of others when I can by sharing my story.

Tell the new story

Gregg Levoy writes that psychologist Jean Houston stresses that "In order to discover what is trying to be born in you from your wound, what gift or call might be pressing for delivery... you need to stop reciting the small story about it - the particulars, the details - and tell the larger story. Tell the tale anew this time with the wounding as the middle of the story."

An open letter to my exes

I've been hurt. A lot. But over time I've come to understand that no situation, and no relationship, is without purpose. People are brought into our lives to teach us things, and for us to teach them things, and although they’re sometimes quite painful, these lessons are a necessary part of growing.

Man Up: 7 tips for ending a relationship the right way

Breaking up is painful, but many times the way the breakup is handled is more painful the end to the relationship itself.  Thankfully I'm not going through a breakup right now, but I felt called to write this piece anyway.  Surely someone somewhere may find it helpful.

Thoughts on turning 50

I know there are women who dread the mere thought of turning 50, but I'm not one of them. In fact, I turned 50 not too long ago and all things, considered, I've never been happier. For me, 50 really is the new 40 (maybe even 35) and I'm embracing the beginning of my "second half" with a spirit of gratitude, celebration and anticipation .

Defying the Curse of the Boyfriend Sweater

A few years ago I "broke up" with the man I'd been dating. To be honest, to say that we "broke up" is not quite accurate. Technically, he dumped me. But that's not the point of this story.

He knew that I loved to knit and to my surprise, just a few weeks before he vanished, he mentioned the possibility of me knitting an