I'm beginning to realize that all the condemnation and recrimination in the world won't make those "mistakes" go away. I'm also beginning to realize that I may be doing myself and my spirit a serious disservice by attaching value judgments to past decisions. The intrepretations I attached to them were much worse than the decisions themselves were. They were not "good" or "bad", they just were.
Would I have made different choices and done a lot of things differently if I knew then what I know now? Of course I would. But therein lies the point... IF I'd known then what I know now... the simple truth is that I didn't.
I have to accept, and live with, the consequences of my choices, all of them. But I don't have to continue to beat myself up because of them. Through God's grace, and the process of healing, I'm learning to realize that I did the best I could at the time. I didn't knowingly make decisions that would cause pain for me or others. If I'd had the wisdom, patience, strength, or courage to make healthier choices I would have. God knows that and He has forgiven me. Now it's time for me to forgive myself.
Photo by eggman at Flickr.com
2 comments:
I TOTALLY understand, Syd...I'm still beating myself up for things I did when I was 12, for crying out loud. And I believe in God, love, forgiveness, and grace! But even though I know He has forgiven me, I can't quite forgive myself.
May 16, 2011 at 2:56 PMAnd that's a sin.
My counselor told me that we do the best we can do at any given point in our lives. We make mistakes - we're weak, frail, and human. But, we're doing the best we can. Even people who are cruel and abusive are doing their "best" -- it's what they know and who they are. Obviously they should and could be treating people better, but they're operating from a sick, damaged, ugly, dark place.
And so was I, when I did the things I regret. That doesn't make it all right, and it doesn't mean I've forgiven myself like I should! But it helps me understand that we're just muddling through, doing the best we can.
Thank you for your blog - I really appreciate it! And I'm glad to get to know you better :-)
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
May 16, 2011 at 5:37 PMThanks so much for your comments. You are always so thoughtful. I really do appreciate you!
Sydney
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